I’ve become very aware of the illusion of “arriving” recently; this idea that the key to happiness lies on the other side of my next big accomplishment. What I have come to realize is that no matter the goal, once I hit it there is always another thing to achieve. By constantly striving for the next thing, it is easy to miss the beauty in any given moment. Being happy, at least in my mind, is now no longer about hitting my next big goal, but rather making sure I enjoy every day regardless of whether or not I achieve what I set out to.
So first off, how did I become so convinced that there is no such thing as “arriving”? In reflecting back on my own life, I began noticing a trend. As an aspiring MLB player early in life, I remember becoming convinced that if I could just make the travel baseball team my life would be on easy street. I would make the team, travel around playing games, and then inevitably be scouted by the New York Yankees and replace Derek Jeter when it came time for him to retire. That was it. Making the travel baseball team would seal the deal. My life would be set. Unfortunately, as you can probably tell from the fact that I am writing this post, that plan did not get very far. In fact, I didn’t even make the travel baseball team let alone get scouted by the Yankees. Flash forward 10 years and I’m on the pool deck (I took the hint when I didn’t make the travel baseball team) talking to my swim coach about qualifying for winter junior nationals. This was the big leagues. If I could make Winter Juniors everything else would just fall into place. It was so obvious; how could it not? And guess what? I did it. I qualified for Winter Junior Nationals. It was amazing. Everything I hoped it would be; that is until I heard that Duncan and Shawn (two of my teammates) were going to the even-harder-to-qualify-for Summer Juniors. All of a sudden, saying I was going to Winter Juniors didn’t seem all that great. And then came college. The big one for most kids under the age of 18. The life-defining moment where happiness will be determined for the rest of our lives. And guess what? I got into Harvard. Finally, something I could look at and confidently say I had achieved the top of the top. However, as soon as I stepped foot on campus something funny started happening: people began asking what internship I had lined up for the next summer.
I think the point here is pretty clear: throughout my life, there have been a number of seemingly life-defining moments. Moments that I built up in my mind as being the difference between eternal happiness and never-ending struggle. In retrospect though, while those accomplishments (or lack thereof) certainly changed me as a person, none of them have had the long-term impact on my state of mind that I expected them to. Accomplishments like getting a cut time, making a team, or even getting into college are fleeting. They come with bursts of dopamine, but after a short while - shorter than I probably care to think - those bursts fade. Moreover, every time I did hit one of those milestones, there was always another thing to worry about.
As such, living for the next big accomplishment no longer seems to me like the way to lead a happy, fulfilling life. I certainly still have big goals, but I’m no longer telling myself “once I reach this moment I will be happy”. Instead, I am thinking of it more like being in shape. No matter how much I work out, I’ll never be fit for the rest of my life. My dad has worked out every day for the last 40 years, but even he would fall out of shape if he stopped exercising. In my mind, this is more analogous to happiness. Being happy isn’t something that is achieved, it’s a daily effort that requires constant work and reflection. Some days will be better than others, and sometimes hard decisions will have to be made. Over time though, if we can identify the things that consistently bring us joy and we can fill each day with as many of those things as possible then it won’t matter if we make the Yankees or not because we’ll have made all the other days count.
*As a caveat to all of this, let me say that I recognize happiness is not always this black and white, especially in instances where mental illness is at play. The point I am trying to get across is that the idea of arriving is an illusion, and as such living for the present